


Ancient and Modern History

by writtenarts (fairytale_bliss)



Category: Waterloo Road (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-26 15:14:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30107910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fairytale_bliss/pseuds/writtenarts
Summary: She'd said the words aloud, determined not to dwell on the past. But merely an hour has passed since Lorraine's announcement about leaving for London, and with a pleading Sonya at her office door, Nikki can't quite shake off the feeling that perhaps her idea of ancient history isn't so ancient after all.
Relationships: Nikki Boston/Lorraine Donnegan
Kudos: 1





	Ancient and Modern History

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written and posted elsewhere in 2014.

Nikki sits in her office, hands clasped on the desk in front of her. She stares down sightlessly, her shoulders bowed, her spirit in tatters.

It’s over. Completely and officially. Lorraine is leaving, and it’s all over.

She closes her eyes and thinks of the way that Lorraine had looked at her just an hour earlier, her eyes intense as she’d talked about them. Them, as a couple.

And she’d simply brushed it off as if it had meant nothing to her.

Ancient history. As if she never even gives it a second thought anymore. As if Lorraine hasn’t consumed her thoughts for the past months.

As if she hadn’t meant the world to her.

What a terrible, terrible mistake to make. Nikki knows that Lorraine is strong, and that she’ll likely bounce back from this quickly—hell, hadn’t she been the one to mess everything up so spectacularly in the first place?—but there is a part of her that still can’t let it go. She remembers what it had been like to lay tangled up around her body, feeling her blonde hair tickling at her breasts as she’d laid her head in the crook of her shoulder in a rare moment of vulnerability. She remembers what it had been like to kiss her way down her body, to know her in such a way, to be privy to the thoughts in her head more than anyone else in the world—even more than her sister. And Lorraine had ruined all of that, true, but Nikki herself had been the one to end it beyond recognition just an hour before, with those two stupid words.

Ancient history.

Without warning, there is a soft knock on the door. It jerks Nikki right out of her thoughts, and she blinks stupidly for a couple of moments, running her hands through her hair.

“Come in,” she says, laying her hands flat on her desk, praying that she doesn’t look as utterly lost as she feels. She half-expects it to be Tom, or—please—Lorraine, chasing after her, but she’s right on neither count.

It’s Sonya.

She stands nervously in the doorway, chewing on her bright red lips, hands fidgeting in front of her. Nikki feels a flash of awkwardness for a moment—after all, Lorraine hadn’t bothered mentioning anything about her to her sister when they’d been seeing each other—before forcing a little smile.

“Sonya, come in,” she says. “Is there something that I can do for you?”

“Well, yeah,” she replies, venturing a little further into the room, though still maintaining her distance. Not for the first time, Nikki marvels at how two complete polar opposites can share the same genes.

“Go on, then,” she says as encouragingly as she can.

Sonya hesitates for a fraction of a second before taking a deep breath. “I was just wondering. About you and my sister.”

Nikki’s smile drops immediately, her whole body sagging forward. Of course Sonya would want to talk about her and her sister. Of course.

“What do you want to know, then?” she asks, her voice a complete monotone, robotic, perfunctory. As though it will somehow hurt less if she speaks like this.

Sonya looks more uncomfortable now, fidgeting harder with her hands. She clearly doesn’t know where to look, for her gaze eventually settles on the leg of the desk. “Are you and Lo seeing each other again?”

“What?” says Nikki, furrowing her brows. “Whatever gave you that idea?”

It’s a silly idea. Stupid. She and Lorraine had been destined to fail from the start. It had been inevitable, with someone who detached herself from her emotions as often as Lorraine could. How could Nikki ever hope to keep up with her blowing hot and cold, keeping her head in a constant spin?

Sonya shrugs, looking helpless. “I dunno. I just thought. You and her…you were still getting on really well when everything finished. And she gave you the head’s job.”

“What’s that got to do with anything?” Nikki finds herself snapping defensively. Because she knows how the head’s job looked—sleeping her way to the top, giving head and getting head. The others had sneered at her, and despite Lorraine’s reassurances that it had been for the right reasons, Nikki still has the niggling doubts that it had been for the wrong.

“I’m sorry,” says Sonya, evidently contrite at hitting a sore spot. “But I just wondered, with the way that you two have been recently, if you were back together. Because if you are, then that’s great. It’s amazing. I’d be really happy for the both of you. Lo’s never had any serious relationship before and I always thought that it was because she didn’t really have time for it. I mean, I knew she was gay, she does tell me some things, you know—” Now it’s Sonya’s turn to sound defensive, as if people could accuse her of not being a person that Lorraine is interested in, family or not—“But I never did ask her about what happened. Or what’s happening now.”

“So you’re coming to me to find out?” Nikki says wearily, pushing a pile of papers to the side.

“It was the only thing that I could think to do,” says Sonya. “You’re the only other person who can tell me.”

“Well, there’s nothing to tell,” she says briskly. “Lorraine and I are over. We’re friends and nothing more.”

“But the way you’ve been together these last weeks—”

“It’s ancient history, Sonya,” Nikki says flatly.

“Ancient history? Is that what Lorraine said to you? Because I know she doesn’t mean it, and—”

“It wasn’t her who said it,” Nikki interrupts. “It was me.”

Stunned silence for a moment.

“…You?” Sonya sounds…hurt. If the situation wasn’t so absurd, Nikki might have laughed. It’s not as if she’s breaking up with her.

“Yes,” she says.

“But…why?” asks Sonya.

Nikki sighs, running a hand through her hair. “Look, Sonya, I really don’t feel comfortable talking about this…”

“She’s hurt, you know.”

The words linger again between them. Nikki’s heart begins to pound just a little harder in her chest.

“What?” she says.

Sonya chews at her bottom lip. “I shouldn’t be saying any of this. It’s not really my place.”

“But?”

Sonya looks agonised for a moment, before taking a deep breath. “But I know my sister. And I know that she still likes you. Really likes you.”

Nikki’s breath snags. Of course, she’d been expecting it in a way. She’s not blind; she’s seen the way that Lorraine looks at her, her eyes intense and exciting, just like their relationship had always been. But Nikki doesn’t just want intense and exciting. She wants everything else too. Domesticity. Peace. The things that are considered most boring. She can’t see Lorraine ever wanting something quite like that.

“Well, what do you expect me to do about it?” she asks. She hates how harsh she sounds, but there is nothing else for it.

“Well, I…I just thought…” Sonya stumbles, before sighing. “Look, Lo has never been happy before you. And I don’t think she’ll be happy again without you, either.”

The words are strong and heartfelt. Nikki hadn’t been expecting Sonya to say something so bold. Her heart pounds somewhat sickeningly in her chest. What if it’s true, what Sonya is saying?

_I’m not prepared to put my heart on the line._

The words she’d once spoken echo in her head now, and she grits her teeth against them. She’d promised herself that she wouldn’t turn herself into a weak, needy woman, putting up with a dysfunctional relationship just because she wanted to feel loved. She’d promised herself that.

But isn’t she weak anyway? Hasn’t she spent every moment of the last few weeks trying and failing to push the blonde out of her mind, hasn’t she been feeling as if the world has lost just a little of its brightness since Lorraine’s decision to break off relations and her own decision to not give her a second chance? Don’t those things make her weak?

Sonya is still staring at her with wide-eyed hope.

“Just talk to her, please,” she says.

Nikki sighs audibly. She shouldn’t be letting herself be pushed into something that she doesn’t really want.

And yet…she can’t quite say that it’s something that she doesn’t want. Because she’d had strong feelings for Lorraine, and those feelings can’t just be switched off.

She takes a deep breath. Her next words will make or break her.

“When is Lorraine leaving?”

* * *

Nikki pulls up outside Lorraine’s expensive pad in her truck. She switches off the ignition and heaves a great sigh, resting her forehead against the steering wheel. She doesn’t want to admit to herself that her heart is pounding stupidly fast in her chest.

How had she let herself be railroaded into this?

_Because you want it. That’s why you gave in so easily._

She heaves another sigh, pushing herself up. There’s nothing else for it. She’s here now. There’s no point sitting in the truck being crippled by doubts. She has to act now, and that’s all there is to it.

She swings her legs out of it and slams the door shut, striding with more confidence than she feels towards Lorraine’s expensive home. There is a light on in the front room, and the curtains are wide open, but Nikki can’t see Lorraine anywhere. Perhaps she’s still busy packing. If she’s to be leaving for London tomorrow afternoon, then she hasn’t given herself much time.

The door looms in front of her, bigger than the entrance to hell. Nikki pauses for just a moment to swallow the lump in her throat. She runs a hand through her hair—trembling, she notices—then reaches out and knocks as decisively as she can.

No turning back now.

She waits for what seems like aeons before there is any activity in the hall. And then the light is switched on, almost blinding her. She sees a dark silhouette through the glass, moving closer to the door.

“Who is it?” Even through the glass she can hear Lorraine’s voice, and she has to close her eyes against the sudden rush of emotion she feels.

She can’t deny that there is something of longing in there.

“It’s me,” she calls back. Her voice sounds too loud in the quiet of the street.

“Nik?” Lorraine is obviously caught by surprise, not expecting her at all.

She swallows hard again. “Can I come in?”

There’s the sound of jingling keys and the scraping of the lock being drawn back. In the next moment Lorraine is standing in front of her, eyeing her curiously, looking as gorgeous as ever. It’s almost enough to have her down on her knees and begging her to stay.

But she’s not ridiculous like that, so she offers her a tentative smile and is relieved to see it returned. Lorraine’s is bright. Maybe too bright.

“This is a surprise,” she exclaims. “What brings you here?”

“Can I come in?” she asks, fighting against the pounding of her heart. “I’ve got something to say.”

“Yeah, sure,” says Lorraine, but she sounds slightly less confident than she usually does. She opens the door wide, and Nikki ducks under her arm, waiting in the hallway until she shuts it again. There is stuff everywhere; piles of shoes that she surely can’t get any wear out of, a bundle of designer dresses draped over the bannisters.

“It’s not a bad time, is it?” Nikki asks, suddenly self-conscious and aware of the stupid thing that she’s about to do.

Lorraine waves it away casually. “No, don’t worry about it. Just don’t mind the mess. I’d forgotten how much I hate packing.”

“Don’t you pack for your business trips?”

“Well, yeah, but packing an overnight bag is a lot easier than packing everything for another big move.”

Nikki’s heart jolts a little, but she forces it back down. Keep calm, she tells herself. She can’t break down into a stupid damsel. That’s not who she is, and it’s not who Lorraine is either.

“Would you like a drink?” Lorraine asks, tucking an errant strand of her blonde hair behind her ear. “I’ve got some wine left if you want a glass.”

“No, thanks,” she says, then instantly regrets it. She could have done with the alcohol to steady her nerves. Perhaps it would have served to make her believe that she isn’t about to do something completely rash.

Lorraine shrugs. “Okay then. I think I’ll have one. I need something to get me through this packing. Why don’t you go through the sitting room, and I’ll be with you in a minute.”

Nikki nods, shoving her hands deep into her pockets as she does as she’s told. The sitting room is in no better condition than the hall. Stuff is strewn all over the place. Where Lorraine has been keeping it all, Nikki doesn’t know. She doesn’t recognise half the things here, and she’s spent a great deal of time reclining in this room. Her eyes land on the leather sofa, covered with jumpers. How many times have she and Lorraine sat there, talking, laughing, kissing, touching? She closes her eyes and she can see them behind her closed lids, twined together, the leather delicious against her naked skin. Hastily, she snaps her eyes open, just as Lorraine enters the room, clutching a tall glass of red wine.

“Sit down,” she offers, swiping a pile of papers onto the floor, where they spill like leaves in the wind.

“No, I’m fine, thanks,” she says quickly. She isn’t sure if she’d be able to sit there, not with the images in her head. She at least needs time to gather herself together and make a half-hearted attempt at controlling the things that will invariably come out of her mouth.

Lorraine shrugs again, kicking her legs up onto the coffee table. Casual as ever.

“I’m surprised to see you,” she comments, taking a sip from her glass.

“Why’s that?” Nikki says, perhaps a tad defensively.

For a moment, Lorraine looks less sure of herself, less like the confident, sassy woman that Nikki has grown to love over the last months. She looks vulnerable.

It reminds her of the day when they’d broken up, when Lorraine had stood before her and bared her heart and she’d stamped it into the dust.

But she did it first. She didn’t have to do what she did.

Nikki isn’t sure when she became so petty that she’d actually make note of something like that, as though it was a case of tit-for-tat.

“I don’t know,” Lorraine continues at last. “I just figured that our parting words would be our last.”

She has to appreciate her honesty. That’s one thing about Lorraine: no matter the circumstances, she can always be relied upon to say exactly what’s on her mind. Even if she is feeling right out of her depth, she’ll still push on and say what she thinks. It’s a bittersweet trait.

Nikki thinks that she deserves the same kind of honesty back.

“Well, I wasn’t intending to come round here tonight,” she begins.

“Oh, really?” asks Lorraine, and there is a flicker behind her eyes. “What changed your mind, then?”

“Your sister,” she says.

Lorraine looks confused. “What? Sonya? I don’t understand…”

Nikki takes a deep breath, thrusting her hands deeper into her pockets. “She called by my office this evening, asking questions about us.”

Lorraine’s eyes squeeze closed, firm lines appearing between her eyes. “Jesus.”

“I think she meant well. And she said some things about you.”

Now Lorraine’s eyes are open again. And they’re guarded. “Like what?”

Nikki searches for the right words. Words have always been difficult when it comes to them. “She said that you still like me.”

“What?” Lorraine cries, almost dropping her glass of wine all over the expensive rug. “She—she said that to you? What right does she have to make assumptions and just…Jesus Christ!”

“So it’s not true, then?” Nikki asks, and her heart feels as if it’s swung from her chest to land by Lorraine’s feet. Any moment now, she is sure that her ex-lover will step forward and crush it with one of her killer heels.

Lorraine sits there looking very much like a deer in the headlights. The look is reminiscent of the way she’d looked the first time that Nikki had ever asked her out for a drink.

And what a disaster that turned out to be, Nikki thinks grimly.

Lorraine heaves a huge sigh, tapping her fingers nervously against the stem of her wine glass.

“Look, do you want me to tell you the truth here?” she asks.

“Your honesty is something that I’ve always appreciated, even if you do say something that I don’t want to hear.” Nikki goes for the humorous tact, but she isn’t sure if she’s quite captured it; there is something rough in her tone.

Lorraine tilts her chin in that oddly defiant way of hers, her blue eyes wide and clear. “Okay then. If that’s what you want to hear.”

“It is.”

Lorraine takes a moment to compose herself, pushing her shoulders back and looking her straight in the eye. Her expression is business-like, composed, almost as if she’s closing a deal for her company. Nikki braces herself for what she is about to hear.

“Sonya wasn’t making it up,” she says, and her heart pirouettes in her chest. “I’ve never spoken to Sonya about it, because I don’t feel like my private life is any of her business, but she must be shrewder than I give her credit for. I know it’s not what you wanted to hear, but you did ask for the truth.”

Nikki nods numbly, not answering for now. Her brain frantically tries to process everything that it’s heard. Sonya hadn’t been going in blind. Lorraine really does still have feelings for her. It’s what she’s been longing to hear and, at the same time, the last thing she’d wanted. She isn’t proud enough to try to convince herself that she’s moved on from Lorraine, because she hasn’t in the slightest, but at least when she hadn’t known Lorraine’s feelings, there hadn’t been a chance for anything.

Now there’s a chance for everything.

“Nik?” Lorraine questions. “Say something.”

“I wasn’t expecting that.”

Lorraine looks genuinely surprised. “What? I thought it was pretty obvious. If Sonya can work it out, I thought you would have.”

“I thought it best not to think about,” Nikki mutters, lowering her gaze. She can’t look into Lorraine’s piercing eyes for a moment longer.

“…And why’s that?” Lorraine’s voice is uncharacteristically vulnerable, and it twists Nikki’s insides in like mating snakes.

“Isn’t it obvious?” she shoots back.

Lorraine shrugs. “I told you: human emotion is not my forte. I’m not expected to grasp the obvious. I thought you of all people understood that.”

There is a bite to her words that Nikki doesn’t expect, but she doesn’t shrink back, merely raises her eyes again.

“Of course,” she says. “I should have known. You can’t talk about feelings like that, and most certainly not with me.”

The laugh that escapes Lorraine’s throat is somewhat unexpected in both its suddenness and its bitterness. Nikki blinks.

“You are unbelievable,” says Lorraine.

She bristles at once, widening her stance defensively. “Excuse me?”

Blonde curls tumble about her shoulders as she shakes her head. “You heard me.”

“Yes, I did, and I’d like to know exactly what you mean by it.”

Lorraine doesn’t look the slightest bit fazed as she turns away, taking a swig of her wine.

“I should have thought my meaning was obvious,” she said. “All of this time, you claim that I’m the problem, and then in the next moment you’re giving my mixed signals.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” Nikki growls. “I don’t give you mixed signals.”

“You do, and you know you do. You push me away one moment, and then the next you’re acting like my best friend, pretending as if nothing has changed between us.”

“When have I ever done that?” she protests. “Never, Lorraine. Don’t you accuse me of that!”

“You’ve been doing it from the moment we broke up,” she says. “I’m not saying any of it is your fault. It’s mine. I was bull-headed and stupid and ruined the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time. But you’ve not been keeping your distance from me, either.”

“We’ve been working in close quarters,” Nikki protests. “What did you expect? For me to bitch and snipe and make things even more difficult for the both of us?”

“Perhaps it would have been better to!” Lorraine shoots back. “Instead of this. This…this friendship when I’m not over you.”

The words hang in the air between them. Its’ the most honest Lorraine has ever been. She takes a deep breath and knocks back her wine. Nikki is at a loss for what to say, fidgeting with a pulled stitch in her suit jacket.

“Anyway,” Lorraine says quickly, thankfully breaking the silence. “It’s as you said. Ancient history.”

Hearing the words from her mouth is like a stake right through the heart. Nikki wonders if Lorraine had felt like that when she’d heard them spoken to her.

“I should probably go,” she mutters. “You’ve got a lot of packing to get finished.”

Lorraine nods awkwardly. “Probably for the best. I’ll see you to the door.”

They keep a respectable distance between them as Lorraine leads them back into the hall, kicking some kind of designer bag out of the way. Nikki winces. If she owned something as expensive as that, it would be locked behind a glass case, never to be taken out.

At the door, Lorraine waits for Nikki to step back out over the threshold. Nikki sighs, running a hand through her hair again.

“I guess this is goodbye, then,” she says.

Lorraine nods. “Yeah. Maybe I’ll see you around sometime. You never know, I might come back to visit Son.”

The chances of that are low, and she knows it; Lorraine has never really shown much of an interest in her sister. Still, Nikki nods, forcing a smile.

“Yeah, maybe,” she says. “Bye, Lorraine.”

For a moment, neither of them moves. Nikki feels as if she’s rooted to the spot, a Medusa’s statue. It’s Lorraine who shifts first, brushing back her blonde hair and holding out her hand.

“Jesus,” she mutters. “What’s with this? We’re not sentimental people, you and I. Let’s shake and part.”

Nikki eyes her for a moment, before tentatively doing just that. Her hand slides into Lorraine’s. Hers is soft and feminine. It’s a touch she knows well, a contrast to her stronger one. For a moment, they squeeze tight, their eyes searching each other’s faces. She peruses Lorraine’s face frantically, determined to drink up every last ounce of her that she can. Lorraine’s tongue peeps out just a little to wet her lips.

It’s the catalyst.

Without a second thought, Nikki crashes her mouth onto her former lover’s. Lorraine gives a muffled squeak of surprise—something that she will surely be embarrassed by—and then is kissing her back with equal ardour.

It’s like coming home after a long, gruelling stint in the army.

Their hands drop. She’s vaguely aware of hers circling Lorraine’s slight waist, angling her hips closer. The soothing sensation of Lorraine’s fingers raking through her hair, massaging her scalp, is overwhelming. She fights to get closer.

She isn’t even aware that Lorraine is pulling them backwards without breaking contact until she stumbles on the risen door ledge, almost sending them both tumbling to the floor. Even that doesn’t deter Lorraine; her tongue is hot and demanding, and she wastes no time in pulling them back to the lounge.

Her jacket is wrested from her shoulders, landing somewhere on the pristine tiles. Lorraine’s hands leave her to hitch up her shirt, touching the planes of her stomach.

They shouldn’t be doing this. It’s wrong.

The thoughts are feeble as her own hands move to hitch up Lorraine’s tight skirt, shuddering with desire as she feels the firm skin of her bare legs once more. Lorraine makes a sound and pulls her onto the sofa. The leather squeaks as they change position.

They’re blurring those lines again, Nikki thinks hazily.

And ceases to care when Lorraine’s hand finds its way into her underwear.

No words are spoken, and she is glad for that. As Lorraine’s mouth finds its way back to hers, she’s very glad about that indeed.

* * *

The aftermath is quiet, a stark contrast to the cries that had filled the air only a few moments before. She lies there, tangled in her limbs, Lorraine’s warm weight pressing against every inch of her. Neither of them speaks. Neither of them moves to look at each other.

She wonders just what she’s done.

* * *

For a long time, it remains that way. And then Lorraine shifts, rolling away from her, making to grab at her clothes. Nikki suddenly feels more vulnerable than she ever has done before, scrabbling for her own clothes. They dress themselves without a word, keeping their gazes averted. She’s drowning in the silence.

Lorraine is the first one to break it, pushing herself back to her feet. “I’m sorry.”

The words cut through her like a bullet, slaying her. “Are you?”

“Yeah. I mean, what’s this solved? It’s only made things more bloody complicated. I’m leaving for London tomorrow.”

“Perhaps we can use it as a goodbye,” Nikki offers feebly.

“It’s not a conventional goodbye.”

“When were we ever conventional?”

She sees Lorraine’s lip quirk thinly from the side, and her own pulse throbs. There’s no use denying it, not after what has happened. She’s still in love with the woman in front of her. Agonisingly so. But nothing can come of it. Lorraine has said so herself. She’s still leaving in the morning.

Nikki says, “I guess I should go.”

“I think that would be for the best,” Lorraine agrees. “I’ll see you out.”

A strange sense of déjà vu overtakes her as they walk back towards the door. She steps over the threshold, tucking her hair self-consciously behind her ear. Slowly, she raises her eyes back to Lorraine. She’s biting her lip too, looking small.

“Thank you for coming tonight,” she says. “I appreciate it, Nik.”

“No problem,” she answers. “Good luck in everything.”

Neither moves. And then Lorraine sighs, raising her eyes to the heavens.

“I have just one more thing to say before I let you go,” Nikki says.

“Yeah? What’s that?”

She takes a deep breath. She might as well do herself—and Lorraine—the courtesy of telling the truth.

“I never stopped, you know,” she says. “Loving you.”

Lorraine’s intake of breath is sharp, and she stares as though she has been stunned. Perhaps she has. Despite her insistence that she’d been giving her mixed signals, it doesn’t seem as though Lorraine had picked up on the fact that the emotions she feels are true.

The wait for her to say something is agonising, and she is beginning to regret opening her mouth in the first place when Lorraine clears her throat, still looking dazed.

“Well, that was unexpected,” she says. “But it was nice to hear. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” she replies.

More silence. It stretches on. Neither leaves.

And then, as suddenly as the first time, Lorraine leans forward purposefully, moving an arm out to wrap around her neck, pulling her closer. She has the advantage of height now, standing in her threshold, and Nikki is powerless to stop her.

She doesn’t want to.

Their mouths meet again, forcefully. They kiss hard for what seems like days, uncaring that they are in the full view of everyone, heedless of the fact that anyone could come by now and see them.

“Come back inside,” Lorraine pleas when they part.

She is powerless to resist.

* * *

The atmosphere between them is even thicker than it had been before, laced with trepidation. Lorraine leads them back into the front room, and they stand there awkwardly, a few feet apart, not quite sure where to look. Now that the confession has left her lips, Nikki isn’t sure how to get back into reality. How to regain control. If she’d even had any in the first place. Secretly, she has often wondered if Lorraine is actually the one with all the control, with her self-assuredness and no-nonsense manner.

Although she certainly seems to be lacking it now. She’s biting hard at her lip, her blue eyes searching her face. Nikki waits. She isn’t going to be the one to break it. She needs to hear what’s going through her mind.

The breath Lorraine draws is shaky, rattling from between her teeth. She twists fretfully at her hair, her eyes darting.

And then she speaks.

“Look, Nik, I’m never gonna be the best at this. I’m a screw up. And I have to leave for London tomorrow, no question about it. But…but do you think there’s any chance of working something out between the two of us?”

Silence rings in the aftermath for a few seconds. She can’t speak. In her head, her own voice echoes.

_I’m not willing to put my heart on the line just so you can have some practice at being a human being._

She should say no. It’s too much of a risk. She can’t go through with Lorraine’s mood swings and unpredictability again. She can’t put herself through the same heartbreak. Not when she knows what it’s like. It doesn’t matter if they both feel the same. They just don’t work together. It’s already been proven in the past.

And yet…and yet…

And yet she can’t deny the things in her heart. She still wants her, every infuriating, broken part of her.

“I don’t know,” she stumbles. Confused. “Lorraine—”

But Lorraine shakes her head, and a spark of that old determination is back. It makes her stomach flutter anew. She’s always loved that look.

“We could try something long-distance,” she says. “Take it slow.”

“Take it slow?” she tries to quip. “I think it’s a bit late for that, don’t you?”

Lorraine manages a feeble smirk too, tossing her hair back. “I suppose you’re right about that one. But I stand by it. This could be a good thing.”

Nikki isn’t as sure. She’s never had long-distance relationships before, not even when she’d been in the army. She’d found it easier to close off then, knowing that she didn’t have to worry about anyone at home, and in turn knowing that nobody was worrying about her.

Can she do this? Can she try to build bridges with the woman she loves?

 _The woman you love_ , the voice in her head whispers, as though that really is all that matters.

Lorraine continues to stare at her, waiting for her answer. Nikki rubs her chin. She needs more information.

“How will it work?” she asks. “We’ll have completely different lives.”

Lorraine throws her a shadow of an easy smirk. “Well, I am my own boss. I can choose my own hours.”

“Yes, but I can’t. I still work at the school.”

“So I’ll come up at the weekends. You can focus your attention on the school and the kids, and I can focus my attention on making more money.”

It makes sense, in some ways. Time apart will ensure that they’re not constantly in each other’s pockets, but absence makes the heart grow fonder at the same time.

“Won’t the others talk?”

“And how would they find out? Only Michael knows about the two of us. And he’s gone too. I’ll keep out of sight, if you’d like. Then nobody would be any the wiser.”

She hesitates, not wanting to seem as though she is ashamed at the idea of a relationship with her. “But what about your sister? Won’t you want to visit her? And won’t she want to see you?”

Lorraine shrugs. “I won’t need to see her every single weekend.”

“But it wouldn’t be very nice, not telling her you’re up here.”

She tosses her head defiantly. “Really, my life is none of Sonya’s business. She only knew about the two of us because she came around my place and saw you leaving. What I do in my private life is my business and nobody else’s.”

Nikki dithers for a moment, then nods slowly, trying to keep her smile somewhat restrained. “I guess we could give it a go then. Work all week, see each other at the weekend. I think I would enjoy that.”

“You think?” Lorraine shoots back, but she is grinning too, the wide, confident smile that she has always loved. “How reassuring.”

Lorraine has hurt her in the past. Torn open her chest, shredded her heart. But Nikki can’t deny the things that it feels. It has continued beating weakly for her even after its brutal abuse. She still wants her.

Lorraine reaches for her hand.

“Stay with me tonight,” she says. “I have to leave early. But I don’t want to say goodbye to you until then.”

She can’t deny her that.

She can’t deny either of them.

* * *

They lie twined in the darkness, curled up naked together in bed. Nikki presses a kiss against the curve of Lorraine’s shoulder, squeezing her around the waist.

“Maybe we should fall out more often,” Lorraine murmurs sleepily. “That was pretty incredible.”

Nikki snorts, but she doesn’t deny it. There is some truth in it. There is silence for a moment.

“Do you think we’ll be okay?” Lorraine’s voice is uncharacteristically small, and she shifts so that she is facing her.

Nothing in life is certain. But Nikki is tired of being afraid of what will come next. So she nuzzles back down beside her lover, and speaks with more conviction than she ever has in her life before.

“Yes,” she says. “I do.”


End file.
